"Yeah, I'm fine. It's these big ass tires...I'm beginning to regret putting these on. They really slow you down". We had decided to take a lunch break at the Living Memorial Sculpture Garden, where USMC Vietnam Veteran Dennis Smith had crafted ten bronze sculptures in reverence to all veterans. Being veterans ourselves, we thought it a fitting way to take a load off and review the morning.
"That Ranger is a God damned idiot. There was no reason to go through that housing development with loose sand pits for roads. I was excited to see lava flows, but all I saw was a huge waste of time and energy. I'm a little concerned this could be bad news for the rest of the trip...if the forest roads are half that bad, we're in for a long haul"."Naw, they are probably well maintained. Want any pineapple rings? That breakfast burrito is still gurgling around...damn thing was big enough to choke a bison".
"No thanks. That damn hippie grocery store was chock full of weirdo herbs and tofu and crap, but not a single hunk of salted meat. It's a staple of my diet these days, you realize. I don't have time for that hippie-skippy nonsense anymore. I bet you are really sick of it by now, living in Portland and such".
"If you keep talking like that, we'll never tap into the energy crystals. We gotta have faith, man".
"Shut up".
*******
"Aarrgh! It looks fine, but as soon as you get going you sink right in. This sucks. Thank God I put on my big ass tires". We had finally emerged from the paved highway and onto Forest property and Military Pass Road., which was nothing but a path of absurdly deep and loose sand, making forward progress a titanic struggle. ML had a mountain bike configuration, but my 700x32 cyclocross tires, ideal for Portland bar hopping, was as useful as a snowblower in Hell. He would pedal for all he was worth, sputtering and spinning, while I would push my loaded bike beside him. At least we had 2000' of elevation gain ahead of us.
"I don't know man. This really, really sucks. I hope you don't think this is what mountain biking is like. What are your thoughts about turning back...it would be a quick descent on the highway back to Weed". We were soaking wet with sweat with little shade and an endless, nearly impossible road ahead of us. We were barely ten miles in and our quads were on fire from the masochistic struggle. As far as I could see, the answer was obvious."No way! That would be so lame. We came all the way out here to do this, so it's gotta be done. What did you expect? This just gives us a greater sense of accomplishment when we get outta here. We're only quitting if it's a matter of safety".
"You are totally right. But I tell you what: I hope a bear eats us before we have to finish this God damned road".
***************
Several grueling and curse-ridden hours later we rolled into our campsite, which was on a very primitive logging road 50 yards or so from a babbling brook. ML, ever on the lookout for carnivorous creatures, was a bit concerned that there was a good chance something aggressive and furry was going to chew our balls off while we slept. Since we had seen absolutely no signs of wildlife all day, I had to disagree. Besides, it was getting dark and a quick recon of the road ahead revealed something I didn't want to see: snowdrifts blanketing the road.
"Let's worry about that crap tomorrow...we're at the highpoint of the ride anyway, I hope. So should I have things like breakfast burritos and coffee, or should I just stick to oatmeal? There's probably a lot of money in coffee, or else not so many people would be doing it". ML had decided that it would be a great idea to own an operate an oatmeal cart in Denver so office workers in a hurry could still enjoy a warm cup of gooey goodness in the morning. If nothing else, he would be a minor celebrity in town as "The Oatmeal Guy". "There's an oatmeal cart in Portland, right? I'll send you a list of questions to ask the guy. At less than a dollar a pound and at $4.50 a bowl, you gotta be making money hand over fist".
It was time to hit the sack after a bachelor-friendly meal courtesy of Trader Joe's. The time, of course, was 11:11.
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